Ten Most Wanted

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March 24, 2013 by jamesessj

Nehemiah Congol — Stripped the clothes from his back and ran naked through a four-star hotel, whereupon a horrified gendarme tossed a robe at him that with uncanny accuracy draped itself perfectly onto his outstretched arms and across his torso. Enraged, Congol sped from the hotel, which faced a major thoroughfare. He is wanted for highway robery.

Jefferson Hurlbut — Nicknamed “The Contract Killer,” thanks to his avowed hatred of agreements, bonds, pacts, and indentures. He is responsible for the nixing of over nine hundred potential deals between major corporations and is also rumored to have put the kibosh on a treaty that would have ended the Cold War in 1971. Reportedly living without a lease in an apartment in Peru.

Steve “Steve-o” Wilson — Wanted for kidnapping and holding for ransom his own liver. He had donated the liver to science, but then had a change of heart — which he had also donated to science, not realizing that without it he would almost instantly perish. Last seen on the run, but not very fast, in northern Saskatchewan.

Frederick Dickens — Distant relative of the famed novelist, traded on his family name to be elected to the Baseball Hall of Fame despite never having played an inning in the Major Leagues. At his induction ceremony he said, “Thanks to Mum, Dad, Aunt Herriot and all the family. It is a far better thing I’ve gotten away with than I have ever gotten away with before.” Charges against him include dangling two prepositions and omitting the final comma in a list.

Daniel Bobat — Attacked and killed his television after the final episode of Will & Grace. Began writing, starring in, and producing his own episodes of the show, which were indistinguishable from the original. Arrested in Burbank, but escaped by writing, starring in, and producing his own escape.

Lawton Lawson — Pennsylvania attorney who figured prominently in a 1985 mining disaster in Wilkes-Barre. Offered his services free of charge. He is wanted for soliciting a miner.

Gunther “Gunsel” Trombo — Believed himself to be the reincarnation of Bonnie Parker, partner of Clyde Barrow. Went on a rampage across the Midwest during which he leered lewdly out of second-floor windows in six states and ran across twenty-three wheat fields while a dark cloud passed over. Was thought to have been cut down in a barrage of bullets outside Wichita, but the body was later found to have been that of a woman who believed herself the reincarnation of Gunther “Gunsel” Trombo.

Hitler Adolf – Son of white supremacists George and Martha Adolf, who found the tables turned on them when Hitler converted to Judaism at the age of three. He then began a mad crusade to extinguish everyone who was not a Jew, starting with his parents, who were Lutherans. He bungled their murders, however, by asking them to shower together, which, as good Lutherans, they would never think of doing. Adolf has not been seen in public since 1996, though he was seen in private just last Thursday.

Custer Timkins – Notorious “Laughing Bandit” who in reality suffers from severe depression. Targets psychiatrists’ offices and forces them to write prescriptions for Zoloft, Xanax, or Lithium. Alleged to have forced the entire population of a Manhattan subway car to listen to his life story at fingerpoint. Threatened to kill himself unless all three of his ex-girlfriends dumped their current boyfriends and got back with him. Two of the three balked, and Timkins insisted this meant that he should be allowed to get to first base with them automatically. The case is awaiting hearing before the Fourth U.S. Circuit Court.

Skyler Ashworth – The only woman on the Most Wanted list, she is classified as Armed and Dangerous, though this is because she has two arms and sometimes makes left turns without signaling. A housewife from Milwaukee, her life of crime began when her husband died and left her a small fortune. Not knowing what else to do with the money, she used it to finance a series of capers culminating in the theft of the Mona Lisa from the Louvre in Paris. French authorities, reluctant to admit the laxity of their security measures, hired a woman to dress like the Mona Lisa and stand inside an empty frame. No one was the wiser. The original painting now belongs to noted collector Steve Martin, whose latest girlfriend bears the scars of extensive plastic surgery and makes a mean lasagna.

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the author, if he lives that long

Willkommen, bienvenue…

Welcome! And please enjoy your stay with us here at the last piece. We love visitors, especially attractive male ones with loose morals, so if you're one of those, please do leave your name and number. If you're not male, or male and unattractive, or if your morals are...what's the opposite of loose? tight?...if your morals are tight, we still want to hear from you; we just won't be replying. Thank you again and don't be a stranger!

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