March 11, 2013 by jamesessj
The K-pop phenomenon is hotter than ever! We’re on the scene in Seoul for the latest and greatest developments in the musical movement that’s taken the developed world by storm — K-pop!
Item! The new group KGoes KThe KWeasel, backed by “that wiseacre from Waukegan,” American promoter Wally Washaw, has a single out that’s climbing the charts like a missile out of Pyongyang! Called “Love Isn’t Love If It Isn’t, Okay?”, this rap/hip-hop/folk crossover tune is an absolute smash! Written by Washaw himself, with help from famed novelist Thomas Pynchon, the song features a driving beat, artful melody, and moody lyrics such as:
I don’t want to hear about my mother’s interfering
She may be kind of bossy, but my hands over my ears, I simply am not hearing
The words you criticize her with, the syllables deride her with
Girl, can’t you see my eyes are tearing?
The lead singer of KGKTKW, as the group is nicknamed, Son Min-Joo, is a 21-year old native of Incheon whose smooth voice and rock-hard abs have won him a legion of female (and, yes, male!) followers. At a recent concert in Greenland, Min-Joo and his three bandmates were swarmed by thousands of fans who’d made the 6000-mile round-trip from Korea, many of them on hastily-constructed homemade rafts. “I’d cross the universe to see KGKTKW!” said Gyu Seo-young, a 16-year old girl recovering from severe hypothermia in nearby Reykjavik. “Six thousand miles is nothing!” (She later fell into a coma.) Washaw says KGoes KThe KWeasel is on its way up, up, up — with no limits as to where they might play next. “The moon?” he suggests, a twinkle in his eye. “Or Jupiter? Maybe that poor girl in the coma will get her wish and she can cross the universe to see these amazingly talented artists.” We hope so, too, Wally. We hope so, too. Just remember, Seo-young: space is an airless vacuum!
Item! No longer is K-pop strictly the province of the teenybopper — the latest sensation out of Busan is the “grandpa group,” or “Grandpop,” three of which have sprung up, as if from long naps, in the last few months. The first (and least-talented) of these, Not Dead Yet, had a hit with “Fight Us Arthritis,” although their follow-up, “Colostomy Is Costin’ Me,” has been less successful. Another grandpa group, My Achin’ Back, has charted with “One Hip, Two Hip, Three Hip, Four” and “Dinner At Five.” The third group, Where’d I Put My Glasses?, has yet to chart, but is, in the opinion of most veteran grandpa-group-watchers, the most rawly talented. Their lead singer, Kim Ro-hyuk, has been singing since he was 72. He’s now 73. Their drummer, Abe Rothstein, is late of the American band Bingo!, whose Country & Western influence has invaded K-pop with such singles as “Dongdae Mountain High” and “Don’t Wanna Be A Kimchi Man.” If the group can overcome the recent interment of lead guitarist Shin Jin-ho, they could well become a true force on the grandpa group scene. Says one critic, “The elderly male voice has an indefinable something that the youthful male voice simply can’t recreate…wisdom?…experience?…decades of substance abuse?…multiple tracheotomies?…whatever it is, these guys got it!” We agree, critic! We agree!
Item! Girl group Don’t Even Think About It has changed lead singers more often than Kim Il-sung has been reported alive and well and living in Zaire! The latest engenue to take center-stage is Woo Chae-rin, a dusky-voiced beauty whose long legs and ample endowments have marked her as The Girl To Watch, and not just because she’s already embroiled in four separate iPhone sex scandals! Despite her troubles, rumors are that she’s already won over most of Don’t Even Think About It’s thirty-seven other members, although the popular Tae Gun-hye and Shin Yu-eun are said to be considering splintering to form their own girl group, tentatively titled Prettier Than You. Chae-rin has met with both Gun-hye and Yu-eun in the presence of a U.N.-sanctioned intermediary (could it have been…former U.S. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton? We’ll never tell!) and the talks were described as “promisingly free of hair-pulling.”
Item! Could the next wave be…North Korean pop? NK-pop, as it’s been called, is in its infancy — “It’s certainly infantile!” said one listener — but is quickly gaining fans along the DMZ, where it’s being played day and night over loudspeakers. No one is quite sure what the names of the groups are, nor who’s in them (though experts have declared the voices in the recordings to sound suspiciously like North Korea’s Supreme Leader, Kim Jong-un, after having been run through an Auto-Tuner) but the songs are, as one American soldier phrased it, “unexpectedly catchy.” With titles like “Starvin’ For Your Love” and “Out Standing By The Outstanding Leader” and “Still Crazy After All These Nyeon,” NK-pop has landed with a bang! Will it last? Nothing lasts forever, but some things don’t ever change, so don’t be surprised if NK-pop is around for a good long while!
Item! The biggest star in Korean music is of course the multitalented PSY! (Many people don’t know that these are the first letters of PSY’s full name, Peter Stephen Yarbrough.) Reports were that PSY was about to team up with his female counterpart KO, but PSY recently denied these rumors with characteristic panache: “Me, team up with KO? That would be insane! That would be PSY/KO! Ha ha ha ha ha!”
Item! That’s it for now — all the latest from the busy streets of Seoul, where music is daily being made and daily being sold! Join us next time when we’ll have updates on the new girl group My Boyfriend Might Be Gay, the new boy group We’re Not Gay, We’re Just Culturally Different, and the new transsexual group Oh, We’re Gay, All Right.