July 16, 2012 by jamesessj
My friends, the results are in. Thousands of scientists, working over dozens of years, in hundreds of locations, have experimented, measured, studied, tested, debated, and deliberated, and at long last they have come to a final conclusion, which they have checked, double-checked, and, at my insistence, triple-checked. At two o’clock GMT yesterday afternoon, in the press room of CERN Headquarters in Geneva, Switzerland, the finding was announced: the world does, in fact, revolve around me.
* * *
What do I intend to do with this information? I’m not sure. It’s still so new to me — though not, if I may immodestly state, entirely unexpected.
I can assure that I will not be taking advantage of this news as so many others would, by forming a new religion and setting myself up as its Holy Prophet. If others are inspired to create such a belief system, however, I will not gainsay them. Freedom of religion is a foundational American tenet.
Nor will I be running for elective office, or pursuing a career in the performing arts. With this scientific proof now at hand, I know the world revolves around me. I no longer need attempt to prove it to myself or others.
One route I have considered is to write a book. I am, after all, a writer. And the unique perspective of the man who is, unquestionably and literally, the center of the universe, might be worth $28.95 in hardcover, don’t you think? And how much moreso for only $14.95 in trade paperback and $7.99 in regular paperback! In staggered release, of course, so as to maximize exposure.
But what sort of book should it be? An autobiography? A memoir-ish thing of the kind that currently fills the bookstores? A self-help book? A book of aphorisms and proverbs, the collected wisdom of me? A novel incorporating all of the above?
Well. I have time. The world spins — around me! — and tomorrow will bring its answers to these and any number of other questions. For today allow me a few moments to reflect and consider the implications of this remarkable, proven scientific verdict.
It’s such a lot to take in. The world. Revolves around me. What are the chances?