Dr. Zero…Revealed!

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June 10, 2012 by jamesessj

The fourth episode of The Price of Tea in China is up (watch it here:  facebook.com/baddatesvideos), and in case, after watching it, you were wondering what the full text of Dr. Zero’s website might be…yes, I know you weren’t, but pretend you were…we hereby present said text, in its full glory.  Primarily we present this a) to demonstrate how dedicated we are to giving you a complete comedy experience, going to all the trouble of making all this stuff up just so the site will look real and b) to prove all that space wasn’t simply filled with lorem ipsum dolor, etc.

About Dr. Zero’s Project:

Dr. Julius Zero has been seeking to rule the world for dozens of years; yet he is continually denied world domination, his lifelong dream, by the likes of James Bond, G.I. Joe, and the Thunderbirds. Why is this? Certainly not because Dr. Zero is incompetent — certain of his lackeys may be, but then whose organization doesn’t suffer from the occasional hack? No, the true reason has been a lack of funds. Look at Bond — G.I. Joe — the Thunderbirds — and we don’t mean to harp on these three groups, they are merely symptomatic of the larger picture — each of them has virtually unlimited resources! How is a villanious mastermind to keep up?

With Kickstarter, that’s how!

Yes, with this latest and greatest Internet technology, Dr. Zero can bring his appeal directly to the people…without having to deal with pesky laws or law enforcement agencies. How many times has he sat alone in his lair, brooding over the injustice of Bond’s having stopped the timer on his thermonuclear device with only “007” seconds to go? With the right amount of funding, Dr. Zero could have rigged the device to blow with 008 seconds to go, thereby giving our good Commander quite the surprise!

Or what about the time he had Gung Ho and Sgt. Slaughter in his Doom Machine, but then its excessive power needs blacked out the entire Eastern Hemisphere? With proper funding Dr. Zero could have built his own hydroelectric plant and supplied enough power for a hundred Doom Machines! G.I. Joe — A Dead American Hero!

Yes, pretty much every time Dr. Zero has been foiled, it’s been because he didn’t have the Benjamins. But now he’s found a way around such silly things as the International Criminal Court and the United States Congress — he’s found: Kickstarter! Huzzah!

Here’s how it works: you donate by clicking on the green button at the top right of this page. Give any amount — as much or as little as you can afford. It doesn’t even have to be your money! If you’ve recently discovered your annoying brother-in-law’s 401(k) account number, why not make a donation on his behalf? Or if your wife has been squirreling money away for that tuck job you know she’s only getting so she’ll be more attractive to Bob at work, why not put that money to infinitely better use?  We have four levels of giving, from $5 all the way up to $20 billion — are you reading this, Donald Trump? — each of which comes with its own special thank-you gift. Ever wanted to travel around the world in a nuclear submarine? Here’s your chance! Ever wanted to pilot your own space shuttle? Here’s your chance! But even if you’re not such a big spender (and we’re well aware that most folks aren’t!), we still have some wonderful items at the lower levels, like Dr. Zero’s bestselling memoir, You Haven’t Heard The Last Of Me!, which was shortlisted for the Man Booker Prize in 2006. (Martin Amis called it “the read of the hour”!)

So join us, won’t you? Be a part of the New World Order. We’re not saying we’ll remember those who didn’t give…we’re just saying we will definitely remember those who did.

About Dr. Zero:

Dr. Julius Zero was born in Smolensk, Russia, in 1955, the fifth of three children of Gregor and Ethel Zero, itinerant rug merchants who scratched out a meager living from the hardscrabble countryside of the Russian steppes. Some say that Dr. Zero’s passion for world domination began there, amidst the freezing cold, as he watched his parents struggle, day by day, simply to survive.  Others say that Dr. Zero is a psychopath who would have been after world domination if he’d been born a Rockefeller.

Whichever is the case, world domination was clearly on his mind from an early age: he developed a tactical nuclear missile before he’d turned six, and for his eighth birthday his parents got him just what he’d asked for, namely, a weaponized batch of plutonium, on which they’d spent their entire life savings. With these in hand young Julius began his long trek toward all-powerful-ness.

His first attempt to rule the world involved blackmailing certain world leaders with photographs of their amorous activities with various members of the animal kingdom — but the plan went astray when the hard drive containing the photos crashed. “I learned a hard lesson that day,” said Dr. Zero. “Always, always back up your work.”

His next attempt was more dramatic. He placed a bomb inside a baseball that would be used in the 1975 World Series. When a bat struck the ball, it would explode, taking out most of Boston, or Cincinnati, wherever the ball happened to be used. It was just his luck, however, that the sixth game of that series went into extra innings, and by the time his bomb-ball entered the game, it had lost its neutronium charge. In what must be considered one of history’s single greatest ironies, it was this very ball that catcher Carlton Fisk hit into the left-field foul pole for the game-winning home run.

Dr. Zero had begun to notice a pattern, but he wasn’t about to give up. Over the next many years he concocted plan after plan, scheme after scheme; but soon the world’s militaries and intelligence agencies began to take notice of him, and throw up obstacles to his goal. James Bond once said of Dr. Zero, “He’s the stubbornest bugger, I’ll give him that.” Lady Jaye, of the paramilitary team G.I. Joe, who is rumored to have had an illicit affair with Zero while his prisoner in Tobruk, said, “You’re not going to print that crap about his having tapped this, are you? Because that’s a load of bohunk. He’s a great guy, don’t get me wrong, but my taste runs more to Scarlett or the Baroness, if you know what I mean. That thing with Snake Eyes was just a cover — and it worked out for both of us, since he was desperate to cover up his thing with Storm Shadow.”

Respected by his enemies…yet plagued by them, as well.  Dr. Julius Zero!  All he wants is to rule the world! Is that so much to ask?


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the author, if he lives that long

Willkommen, bienvenue…

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June 2012
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