May 24, 2012 by jamesessj
Let’s see, where are we…oh, right, Berkeley. Well, I’m in Berkeley — you, I don’t know. Italy, perhaps? Or Malaysia? Wilkes Land, Antarctica? No, that’s silly, there’s no electricity there. Well, wherever you are, welcome to this first update to the web serieses (pronounced “ser-ay”) of one James E. Sarver, he of “The Last Piece” fame. You know — “The Last Piece”! This blog you’re reading! Oh…you didn’t know this blog was called “The Last Piece”…okay, so “fame” is not the exact word we need in this situation. English is like that, sometimes; probably there’s a word in German or Greek that would fit perfectly.
Anyway, Episode 3 (“Dirty Jedi Tommy Hood”) of The Price of Tea in China just went up yesterday (at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bb2suaEj5r8), and next on the docket is Episode 4 of…The Price of Tea in China. In the fantasies I have wherein folks actually discuss these episodes at great length in a kind of Socratic give-and-take that culminates in everyone’s agreeing that they need to watch every episode again to be sure their conclusions are sound, someone voices the entirely legitimate question, “Whatever happened to Bad Dates?”
“I have them all the time,” I laugh, but everyone just stares at me. For people who enjoy The Many Videos of James E. Sarver, they’re a remarkably humorless lot.
“Um,” I say — even in my fantasies I stammer — “we’ll get back to them, don’t worry. I just have so many ideas for Price of Tea that I want to get done…so expect one more episode (#4) of that series before returning to Episode 4 of Bad Dates.”
This satisfies some of them, but others mutter amongst themselves. “Hard to please everyone!” I say, which comment serves as its own proof.
“What about Jamesey?” someone cries.
“Yeah!” chimes in someone else. “What about Jamesey?”
I hold up my hands like Pilate calming the Judaic crowd. If I’m not careful this could spiral out of control fast, and the last thing I want is to be guilty of crucifying anybody.
“Jamesey,” I say, “is also on his way. Journeys with Jamesey is a four-episode series — four episodes to begin with, at any rate, telling one extended story — that is currently being filmed in…um…Panama? That’s jungly, right? Being filmed near Panama, if not actually in Panama. When filming is complete it’ll go into postproduction and then be released, sometime very soon.”
“What, like tomorrow?” asks one particularly smart-lipped fan.
“No, not tomorrow,” I answer. “How could they finish filming and all of postproduction by tomorrow?”
“You said ‘very soon,'” says this stickler. “‘Very soon’ doesn’t mean next month, unless you’re a general contractor.”
This earns a wild burst of laughter, followed by a round of enthusiastic applause. I remind myself to inhabit my fantasy sequences with a better class of jerkhole.
“Very, very soon,” I say, in what I hope is an ameliorative tone.
“Very, very soon?” says the jerkhole. “Two verys is even sooner than one very! So now you’re suggesting Jamesey will be released before tomorrow?”
“It’s coming out today!” cheers one member of the crowd, a man who looks exactly like the type who’d be in this sort of crowd: short, overweight, balding, his eyes in constant motion, on the lookout for his parole officer.
“It’s not coming out today,” I say, with more of an edge to my voice than I’d intended. Everyone stops what they’re doing and turns their eyes toward me. I have gone and made myself, as I knew I would, the jerkhole in this situation. All my fantasies end up with my becoming the jerkhole. Because I’m so darn nice in real life, you see…
Here’s the schedule:
Price of Tea #4 (coming soon)
Bad Dates #4 (coming soon after that)
Either Price of Tea #5 or Bad Dates #5 (coming soon after that)
Journeys with Jamesey #1 (coming later today)