Twenty-One Theses

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March 25, 2013 by jamesessj

I believe that if the rain is God’s tears, then the snow is God’s phlegm.

I believe that if everyone in the world were to come together, the earth would tilt dangerously on its axis.

I believe the smallest acts of kindness are performed by quarks, muons, and electrons.

I believe in fairness, justice, and equality, and that I get to define what constitutes fairness, justice, and equality.

I believe that if you’re not prepared to do the time, then you should not do the crime. But if you are prepared to do the time, then by all means do the crime.

I believe the elderly are our greatest resource. Organs aplenty!

I believe dreams are the subconscious’ way of dealing with unresolved issues, for instance the fact that I can’t fly.

I believe no one should be left behind. Unless they are wounded and can’t keep up.

I believe one day we will live in Peace. Peace, Missouri. It’s a town.

I believe that in the future we will all speak one language — the language of the alien race that conquers us.

I believe that time travel will someday be possible, but only second by second, and in a forward direction.

I believe in love. I also believe in leprechauns.

I believe the wisdom of the ages can be summed up in one word:  asymptotic.

I believe ghosts are those who have passed on but have unfinished business here on the material plane. They didn’t pick up their suit from the dry cleaners, or were in the middle of a conversation, or had placed their order at the drive-thru but hadn’t pulled up to the next window.

I believe that children are the future, if the future is anything like The Lord of the Flies.

I believe no one has the right to tell anyone else what to do. But since I don’t have the right to tell you not to tell me what to do, you do have the right to tell me what to do.

I believe there is nothing more beautiful than the birth of a child. Unless it’s an ugly child.

I believe harmony between the races will come when the one hundred meters stops thinking it’s so much better than the two hundred meters.

I believe our ultimate destiny lies not in the stars, but around them.

I believe that, like bowel movements, each one of us is a unique creation.

I believe all religions point toward the same truth:  people need religion.

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the author, if he lives that long

Willkommen, bienvenue…

Welcome! And please enjoy your stay with us here at the last piece. We love visitors, especially attractive male ones with loose morals, so if you're one of those, please do leave your name and number. If you're not male, or male and unattractive, or if your morals are...what's the opposite of loose? tight?...if your morals are tight, we still want to hear from you; we just won't be replying. Thank you again and don't be a stranger!

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